Used up

gay div

There’s a lot that no one ever tells you about divorce and you don’t realize this till after it’s happened to you and you are surprised or baffled by something that you didn’t see coming.

By “divorce,” I don’t mean the actual legal transaction (as unavailable to me as the legal transaction of marriage) or even just the actual decision to split, or act of splitting up. I mean the state of being divorced, at least recently so.

For one thing, there’s the relative definition of “recently.” I find myself using this, relying on it even, to justify the fact that I’m still being unusually affected by the experience. It’s been a year this month since it “happened,” though we didn’t actually move apart for almost three months. A year isn’t exactly recently in most senses, but it still feels recent to me. Things have changed a lot, for the better, absolutely no question. Life is more bearable, the loss and change is not a daily, sometimes not even a weekly, issue anymore. On the other hand, I can’t say that things feel normal yet.

So, one of the things is how surreal it can be. Be, not seem. Just how much, and how often, you are completely cognitively displaced from your previous experience of the time-space continuum. I suppose this is shock, the same experience as after a sudden accident or sudden death. A kind of rolling shock, or re-occurring experiences of it, in a variety of settings. Reality, and your role within it, is very different. I’m not even ascribing anything positive or negative here, I’m just talking different. Altered.

So there’ s that. Also, just how much hard work it is living alone when you haven’t been doing so for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, in some ways it’s obviously less work than living with someone. In others, it’s like dragging around with a boulder on top of your head. Through mud. In a thunderstorm. Not just big things, but the little tedious shit. Laundry, feeding pets, paying bills, keeping track of oil changes. These things seem to weigh tons on some days. More so because I can clearly remember that when I wasn’ t married stuff like that didn’t seem so daunting. I can clearly remember living alone for years, assuming I would always live alone, and for the most part, being just fine with that. Getting along quite capably, logistically and emotionally, not dependent on anyone. That person and that state of mind seem inpenetrably foreign now. I’m as divorced from that identity as I am from my ex-partner.

So this day, Saturday, finds me completely exhausted. It was a long, much harder than usual, week. Work was nuts, without a break, and not-work was even more work than work was. I had two big milestones, very positive, long-set goals achieved, plus a lot of other smaller events that, taken all together, have left me done. Not simply tired. Spent. Tilt. Over. System offline for maintenance.

Thus the lack of much substance this week. As opposed to the usual barrage of stupendous intellectualism to which you hordes of visitors have become accustomed. Hopefully this coming week, the balance of writing to YouTube vids and animal pix will right itself and regular blogging, to the extent that I practice it, will continue apace.

(image via Strange Sisters)


2 Responses

  1. I’m real sorry about your recent divorce. when you’re in love and you grow apart it sucks… ass. hang in, toots. bigger, brighter, better days are ahead. you’ll come out of this stronger and more enlightened. plus, just think of all the transition tacos that await ;).

    was that in poor taste?

  2. was that in poor taste?

    yes. and I loved it!

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